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- Blend in with the locals by purchasing a pair of tartan trousers, and a tartan bunnet with a furry bobble on top. You will then be able to infiltrate local public houses etc. without being discovered.
- If you find yourself out and about at about 9am, when everyone is hurrying to get to work on time, befriend your Scottish cousins by stopping in large groups on a narrow streach of pavement and pointing towards the sky.
- Watch out for fellow American tourists who can be spotted by the fancy pirouette they perform in unison while looking alternatively at the Castle and the shops (stores) while walking along Princes Street, Edinburgh. There will be at least one very bright jersey (sweater) amongst them - normally yellow.
- Do not enquire of passers-by "What part of England is Scotland anyways?"
- It is essential to remember that 'Greenock' is pronounced with a short 'e'
i.e: 'Grenock', otherwise the natives will not understand where you are taslking about. Remember also that the correct pronunciation of Edinburgh is 'Eden-burg', although
'Edin-boro' (as in Malboro) will usually suffice.
- Another dead giveaway is to pronounce 'Milngavie' as 'Mulgay', a fectation much beloved by 'amateur' Scots. This is entirely incorrect - Milngavie is pronounced as spelt. (R.J. Hare)
- In a bar, when faced with a gantry holding 30 or 40 quality whiskies, don't hesitate to select the best available - Bells - this is an ideal way to impress the locals with your knowledge of and appreciation of one of Scotlands greatest contributions to world culture. If you decide to forgo the pleasures of a Bells, and go for one of the more mundane malt whiskies (blended whiskies are in general *far* superior to malts), it is essential to mix the stuff with water or add ice cubes - its the only way to drink the stuff.
- As a 'classy' alternative to the above suggestion, don't put water in your malt whisky, mix it instead with Dry Ginger Ale, Coca Cola, or to really impress the natives, BARRS Irn
Bru.
- When buying a pint of heavy in a pub, do not say "Can I have a pint of 80 per-cent, my good man?", but rather ask for "A pinty of 80 shilling".
- When in the same pub as the previous tip, and whilst inspecting the food menu blackborad, upon which is written:
Beef Steak,Chicken and Mushroom
Pie,Lasagne....etc.....and a large selection of salads. ... do not ask the bar staff for "a large selection of salads".
- Avoid conmen and pickpockets who prey on wealthy American tourists by wearing a wghite cap, white jacket, white trousers and white shoes, and wear at least two extremely expensive cameras (with large telephoto lenses) at all times.
- English money is of no use in Scotland! - we have our own system of notes and coins. Often shopkeepers may try to pass unsuspecting tourists useless English money in their change.
- Amemdment to above point - HMV will accept English notes, Boots,
Crawfords, Virgin and Dixons accept Royal Bank notes only, John Lewis, the Food Court, Tandy, Richer Sounds, Jenners the Railway station, the Post Office and Government offices accept Bank of Soctland notes only. For historical reasons most hotels prefer Clydesdale notes.
- Entertain the locals by saying "Hey look Elmer, is that the castle?" loudly while passing Donaldson's hospital on the top of a number 31 bus.
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