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Here's a contribution to illustrate how Scotland's clan/tartan industry makes it's millions...A short play of two acts entitled: "Mr and Mrs Holstein of California, USA, discover their roots in Scotland"
Act 1 Scene 1 - Princes Street --- which is Edinburgh's major Corporation bus 'drag'. Joanna and Wilbur Holstein are seen dodging the incessant flow of pedestrians coming towards them. She is anxiously looking in shop windows for something to 'take home' - seemingly unaware that they are full of the same old stuff that can be bought anywhere else - and most likely cheaper. He optimistically points his brand new camcorder at the Castle ramparts and hopes the latest 'fuzzy logic' will do a better job than he usually can.Joanna, excitedly: "Oh lookee here Wilbur! A tartan shop - and the sign outside says 'If your name is here we have your tartan!'" Wilbur, scoldingly: "Oh come on Joey! Fat chance of that with a name like Holstein" Joanna, cheekily: "Now then Wilbur, let's just have a little looksee..." They ascend a small flight of steps to read the sign and sure enough the name Holstein is nowhere to be seen.Wilbur graciously: "See - I was right lovey - but since we've come this far maybe we should at least have a look around."
Act 1 Scene 2 - Inside the Tartan Shop The Holsteins, having entered the "Scotch Store" are now "mired in the cloying presence of unlimited and unrepentant tartanry". Genuine Dirks (made in Thailand), sporrans, goblets (for the inevitable thirst quenching), kilts (regulation length - of course), mens tartan underwear (very rare), deer-stalker hats, bannocks, bonnets (with and without feathers), shortbread, more shortbread, yet more shortbread, 1 inch thick white woollen socks, and all the other Highland regalia .. Joanna pauses to sample a new Highland perfune called Tangle (TM) which she's told is made from rotting seaweed gathered from the shores of the Hebridean Islands. The tune, "you've never smelt the Tangle (TM) o' the Isles" is heard playing in the background.A kilted lady (KL) with a cherubic countenance approaches them ... She speaks with a 'pan loaf' accent through which a slight Gogar Road brogue occassionally erupts : "Just having a wee look around are we? Is there anything in particular you wanted to see?"Wilbur jokingly: "We saw your sign outside and there sure ain't no Holsteins on it!" KL disarmingly: "But that's just our short list, there's a lot more than that. Maybe you'd like to have a look through our complete book of Tartans?" Joanna awkwardly: "Oh! I don't think so.... you see the Holsteins came over to California from Germany at the time of the Gold Rush of 1889...." Kl condescendingly: "Well you never know - Let's have a quick look - It won't do us any harm will it now?". At the same time she quickly grabs the well thumbed manual of 'Even Lesser known Tartans' which just happens to be lying on the counter. KL studiously: "Let's see now - Holstein, hmmm.... oh yes, here it is..." she reads from the book: "Ludwig Holstein married one of the MacShams of Alt-na-Bhang-Cruot in 1878 and the Lord Lyon King of Arms by virtue of the authority of her Majesty the Queen Victoria has granted that the Holsteins are henceforth and everafter to be honoured as septs of the great and ancient clan, and are thus entitled to wear the MacSham tartan." Joanna ecstatically: "Oh Really! Did you hear that Willy, we're MacShams and we have a tartan. Isn't that something! Oh we're so glad we came in. Could you be so kind as to show us our tartan?" KL obligingly: "There's a picture of it here. Here's the dress MacSham, and this is the hunting version, and over here's the everyday (common or garden) tartan." Joanna excitedly: "Oh it's so beautiful - we must take some back with us. How much is it?" KL modestly: "Well I'd recommend the dress MacSham since it goes with just about everything (including dried egg yolk). We have it on sale, for today only, at the bargain price of $200 a yard. Perhaps you'd like us to measure you for a suit?"
Act 2 Scene 1 - Sunny California The Holsteins having now returned from their European "Best of all the cultures" tour (i.e one night in every city) are lounging in their earthquake proof entertainment studio. In his right hand Wilbur holds the TV 'remote' which, all females in the Western world will note, he insists, is his provilege to change channels with at any random moment. Joanna is patiently piling the many 'flyers' which are dropped into North America's mail (letter) boxes every bloody day of the week, into the 'Recycle' box. (It's garbage day tomorrow)Wilbur casually: "I was having a look through that brochure they sent with our tartan outfits yesterday. It says that the Chief of the Mac Shams is Colonel Angus Mc Quangus (The Quilk of that Ilk) and he lives in Drumdoogle Castle. Seemingly the castle roof needs repair and he's asking all his clans folk to make a small donation. I've sent over $1000 to his address in London."
Act 2 Scene 2 - Hotel in Downtown Los Angeles Clad from head to toe in their newly aquired Higland regalia, the Holsteins make their grand entrance at the next MacSham gathering in North America. Their hereditary chief is particularly keen to seek them out and shake hands (Holstein has so generously paid for his air ticket). Later on they have a 'simply wonderful' photo taken, standing in front of the clan shield - which has the ancient, yet still haunting, motto inscribedd upon it - in Gaelic of course. Translated into English it reads -"When the sun quietly lifts its silent rays from the soft carpet of Rannoch moor, and the gentle rain coats the heather with it's watery mantle --- then that's the time to steal the neighbouring clan's cattle."
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